Spider-Man 3
Rating: 2 out of 5.
Ever since I started writing movie reviews and posting them for the world to see, I always felt drawn to title my review post with a quote from that picture. This one isn't any different. I did, however, search for a line that seemed appropriate to my personal views towards this film. I feel that this title sums up exactly how I view the third installment in the very profitable Spider-Man franchise.
Before I go any further, I want to point out that there will be spoilers in this review. Now I understand that it's a good chance everyone and their grandmother already saw this movie in the theaters this past summer, but I figured I would at least be considerate to those who have not yet laid theirs eyes upon this CG-laden superhero train wreck.
First off, this film felt as if it was two movies carelessly smashed into one and all of the possible "good" parts were cut out due to time constraints. Peter Parker opens the film with a voice-over narration expressing to us, the audience, that his life as Spider-Man and his relationship with Mary Jane Watson is just going splendidly. We are then introduced to Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), a man who has just escaped from prison. While in hot pursuit, Marko accidentally runs on to some sort of "test site" where he ends up being transformed into the Sandman.
While everything seems just too good to be true in Peter's world, things are actually starting to fall apart all around him. While Peter and Mary Jane casually lounge on a giant spider web holding each other close, a meteor from out of nowhere pops down from the earth's atmosphere and conveniently lands in the same vicinity as our protagonist. As our two love birds are unaware of this astrological phenomenon that has taken place right underneath their noses, a mysterious black ooze makes its way out of the meteor and just in time latches itself onto Peter's scooter before they leave the park.
Peter, overcome with love, goes to his Aunt May's apartment late that very same night and expresses to her that he wants to propose to Mary Jane. After telling a touching story about Uncle Ben and his proposal, Aunt May gives Peter her engagement ring. Then, out of no where, while Peter makes his way back home, he's attacked by Harry Osborne. A very nice choreographed fight sequence in the air ensues. But in the end, Harry gets a nasty bump on the head and ends up with temporary short-term memory loss.
Meanwhile, Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), a newly arrived photographer, has Peter competing for a recently opened permanent position at The Daily Bugle. Eddie's photographs seem to be just as good as Peter's and he's willing to do anything to get that spot over Peter.
Now I could keep going on and on, but honestly, I don't have the will nor the stamina. Besides, this is supposed to be a review, not a scene-by-scene account of what happened in this film. So as you can see, there's a lot going on in this movie. So much so, that the film borderlines on two and a half hours running time with piss-poor pacing issues.
The first mistake this film made is that it decided to follow the road most travelled when it came to poorly executed superhero movies: the more villians the merrier. The more villians you introduce, the less screen time they all have, which leads to under developed characters and big plot holes in the storyline.
Rating: 2 out of 5.
Ever since I started writing movie reviews and posting them for the world to see, I always felt drawn to title my review post with a quote from that picture. This one isn't any different. I did, however, search for a line that seemed appropriate to my personal views towards this film. I feel that this title sums up exactly how I view the third installment in the very profitable Spider-Man franchise.
Before I go any further, I want to point out that there will be spoilers in this review. Now I understand that it's a good chance everyone and their grandmother already saw this movie in the theaters this past summer, but I figured I would at least be considerate to those who have not yet laid theirs eyes upon this CG-laden superhero train wreck.
First off, this film felt as if it was two movies carelessly smashed into one and all of the possible "good" parts were cut out due to time constraints. Peter Parker opens the film with a voice-over narration expressing to us, the audience, that his life as Spider-Man and his relationship with Mary Jane Watson is just going splendidly. We are then introduced to Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), a man who has just escaped from prison. While in hot pursuit, Marko accidentally runs on to some sort of "test site" where he ends up being transformed into the Sandman.
While everything seems just too good to be true in Peter's world, things are actually starting to fall apart all around him. While Peter and Mary Jane casually lounge on a giant spider web holding each other close, a meteor from out of nowhere pops down from the earth's atmosphere and conveniently lands in the same vicinity as our protagonist. As our two love birds are unaware of this astrological phenomenon that has taken place right underneath their noses, a mysterious black ooze makes its way out of the meteor and just in time latches itself onto Peter's scooter before they leave the park.
Peter, overcome with love, goes to his Aunt May's apartment late that very same night and expresses to her that he wants to propose to Mary Jane. After telling a touching story about Uncle Ben and his proposal, Aunt May gives Peter her engagement ring. Then, out of no where, while Peter makes his way back home, he's attacked by Harry Osborne. A very nice choreographed fight sequence in the air ensues. But in the end, Harry gets a nasty bump on the head and ends up with temporary short-term memory loss.
Meanwhile, Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), a newly arrived photographer, has Peter competing for a recently opened permanent position at The Daily Bugle. Eddie's photographs seem to be just as good as Peter's and he's willing to do anything to get that spot over Peter.
Now I could keep going on and on, but honestly, I don't have the will nor the stamina. Besides, this is supposed to be a review, not a scene-by-scene account of what happened in this film. So as you can see, there's a lot going on in this movie. So much so, that the film borderlines on two and a half hours running time with piss-poor pacing issues.
The first mistake this film made is that it decided to follow the road most travelled when it came to poorly executed superhero movies: the more villians the merrier. The more villians you introduce, the less screen time they all have, which leads to under developed characters and big plot holes in the storyline.
I found it awefully convenient that the black ooze
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