Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks!

I'm sorry that it's been forever since I posted last. I guess I haven't had much to say. It doesn't really help when you go from working all day in a warehouse that's poorly ventilated with cool air from the rest of the store to a house where the A/C is on the fritz. The fairly large adjustment in temperature of the past several weeks has really made me realize how much I take our modern technology for granted. I can't imagine living in the south with out any sort of climate control. And worst of all, I'm wishing it were winter already. My room has the least amount of air circulation and I either have the coldest or warmest room in the house. I also need to invest in a better oscillating fan. I finally get mine back after it was used by a former roommate almost the entire time he lived in the house and I've come to realize that it's sucks. There is a trip to Lowe's in my near future.

I wasn't exactly sure what I would discuss in my lastest and hopefully not so sparse journal posting. But after serious thought and consideration over the past couple of days, I decided to list the five greatest injusticies of the Academy Awards. These are a personal opinion of mine, and with some serious debates from other parties, I've come to realize that as much as I have respected the Oscars so much in the past, I really haven't been that impressed with a majority of their decisions for several years. Specifically, the longer I've lived away from Southern California, the worse they've gradually gotten.

Since I don't want to delve too far in to Oscar's past, I'm going to keep this list within the past 7 years.

On a related note: I sincerely hate sympathy votes and popularity votes with the Academy. I really despise how a trivial event can change the course of who an award goes to. They should receive the award based solely on their performance or work, not by the color of their skin, ethnicity, star quality, public display of a bad temper, etc. Nor do I feel it necessary to give awards to those who should have won during a previous year. And now on with the list.

5. BEST ACTOR (2000), Gladiator - Russell Crowe
I am more than willing to acknowledge Russell Crowe's performance in Gladiator. It was an Oscar nominating performance. However, I find it a bit more respectable for an actor like Tom Hanks who's character finds companionship with a blood-stained volleyball in Cast Away.

4. BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY (2001), LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring - Andrew Lesnie
Again, I'm not denying the beautiful images that were portrayed in this film, but I felt it was a sympathy vote since they weren't going to give it a Best Picture win (only technical awards for Peter Jackson and crew until the final chapter of his trilogy two years later). The golden statue should have gone to Roger Deakins for his work on The Man Who Wasn't There. Black & White cinematography has become a lost art form over the past 30-40 years. The only other film worthy of the award was 8 years ago when it went to Janusz Kaminski for his work on Schindler's List. Hardly anyone does Black & White anymore unless it's an independent film looking to cut costs in their budget. Nowadays, black & white suddenly screams "art house" and usually keeps a majority of audiences away. Schindler's List was the first black & white film to win Best Picture in over 30 years. And what was that film? The Apartment (1960). The most important fact about this entire debate: The Man Who Wasn't There was filmed in color, then printed in black & white by special processing.

3. BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY (2001), Gosford Park - Julian Fellowes
There are only a few films that leave me speechless after the first viewing. This was not one of them. I admire the film for it's accomplishments: Robert Altman is a generally original craftsman who makes such seamless films with a very large ensemble cast. However, in regards to the most original screenplay that was written and released that year I'd have to take my hat off to Christopher Nolan for Memento. Anyone who frequents The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) enough and has a deep love and desire for good films, usually understands and (most of the time) agrees with it's Top 250 Films. Granted there are some that shoot up very high on the list at first, but give it several months and if it truly is a great film, it will find it's way on to that list and usually stay there. The ratings change from day to day since they take votes on a regular basis. So a movie that might normally be planted at #15 at one point may be sitting at #21 two to three months later. The films shift, but not enough to create an upset. Gosford Park sits at a 7.3 average user rating. Memento, on the other hand, sits at an 8.7 average user rating and is currently listed as #19 on the Top 250 Films. I rest my case.

2. BEST PICTURE (1997), Titanic
Now I'm willing to admit that I was seduced by James Cameron's wizardry of filmmaking back in 1997 and I still think that his two greatest achievements are The Abyss and Aliens. The Abyss (as noted by my fellow resident film critic, Willis) has the least amount of "clunkly neo-technical dialog" of all of his films which, of course, makes it extremely palatable and quite enjoyable. Aliens is just an incredible kick-ass "sci-fi-action-horror-thriller" where he practically reinvented the genre on Science Fiction and made one the best film sequels in movie history. (We can discuss the other great film sequels at another time.) Titanic, on the other hand, was an overdone fictional love story (with clunky dialog, I might add) that took place during the ill-fated maiden voyage of that "unsinkable" ship. What other worthy film(s) were up for Best Picture that year that didn't win? L.A. Confidential, which is currently listed as #49 on the IMDb. Need I say more??

1. BEST PICTURE (1998), Shakespeare In Love
This was the first time I really started to doubt the Academy Awards. It was the first time that I really wanted to know the exact vote count for each film nominated that year for Best Picture. I knew that it was never going to happen, but how does this register with you: Saving Private Ryan wins Best Director, Best Cinematography, and Best Editing but doesn't win Best Picture. This groundbreaking film changed the way I looked at our nation's veterans and how much more I respected my grandfathers for the sacrifice they gave by serving their country and fighting for freedom in WWII.
The Academy's foundation started to crumble beneath me after that and it's never been the same again. They made up for it with American Beauty and LOTR: Return of the King, but they will always be tarnished in my eyes for that great travesty. Oh, and Saving Private Ryan is currently listed as #58 while Shakespeare in Love is nowhere to be found.

Now before I end this long and tedious rant, I would also like to again say that I don't deny the merit that these other films have achieved. I have watched all of them and admire them for what they have accomplished. But when we look back 20 years from now, will we we believe that these were the tried and true examples of what the best motion picture was at that time. Probably not, but that's just my opinion. You can take it for what it's worth. The Academy Awards will continue to slide down the slippery path of current popularity and cheap self gratification for years to come. There is no stopping it. And if you disagree with me, I suggest you do your research and discover how different the Academy looked and how it voted before 1975.

Oh, great. You get the girl, I get the coroner.

"CHiPs" Drinking Game
(Carefully Selected, Refined and Revised for any episode; Revisions are marked with an asterisk)

General Patrolling with Ponch & Jon:

1 drink every time they apprehend a suspect while not patrolling the highway system
1 drink every time they're shocked to see anyone they've pulled over or arrested is female
1 drink for every VW Bug
1 drink for every dramatic zoom-in
1 drink for time continuity issues (day-for-night, sun setting/high noon during chase sequence, etc.)
1 drink for every instance of reused footage
1 drink for every time a vehicle is reused in the same scene
1 drink for every time they attempt to direct traffic *
2 drinks if theyre directing traffic that doesnt need directing *
2 drinks every time they actually cuff someone

2 drinks if Sergeant Getraer arrives at a scene on his motorcycle *
Finish your glass/bottle if all major cast members arrive at a scene: Ponch, Jon, Getraer, Grossman, Barry Baricza & either Sindy or Bonnie (after 1st Season) *

3 drinks for every accident shown in slow motion *

Ponch & Jon (Specific):

1 drink for "The Ting" Ponch shows his pearly whites and purposely smiles during any situation
2 drinks if during an accident

1 drink every time Ponch's uniform gets messy
2 drinks if it happens more than once in a single episode
Finish your glass/bottle if you see Ponchs nipples *

3 drinks for every time they show a crotch shot of either Ponch or Jon during a rescue attempt *
Finish your glass/bottle if both Ponchs and Jons crotch are shown together *

1 drink for every time Ponch/Jon refer to each other as "Old Buddy", "Partner", etc.
1 drink for every time Ponch/Jon tells a citizen to "Cool It", "Take It Easy", etc.

1 drink for every time Ponch flirts with someone they've pulled over
3 drinks if Ponch flirts on Jon's behalf
Finish your glass/bottle if Jon flirts with someone they've pulled over
2 drinks if that gets them a date

1 drink for every time Ponch/Jon lets someone off with just a warning

1 drink for every time we see Ponch and Jon have lunch
2 drinks if they're interrupted

1 drink (at every freeze frame) if the ending credits are at Ponchs expense
Finish your glass/bottle if Ponch shakes his fist during the ending credits
Finish your glass/bottle if Jon shrugs his shoulders at Ponch's expense

Other Locations & Miscellaneous:

1 drink for every sergeant voice-over montage
2 drinks for every time Ponch is called Francis
3 drinks if they use his middle name Llewellyn
1 drink for every time someone mispronounces Ponch's last name (Poncherello)
2 drinks every time someone Ponch/Jon saves sends them a gift or visits them
2 drinks for every time Ponch has a Hostess Ding-Dong
2 drinks every time you see Ponch's trailer
3 drinks when we see Jon's apartment
2 drinks for every time the whole squad has a laugh at Ponch's expense