"Stu, Stu, Stu, what's your motive? Billy's got one, the police are on their way, what are you gonna tell them?"
"Peer pressure, I'm far too sensitive." --Scream (1996)
Happy Halloween, everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean all 3 people who are reading this. For those who don't have the time to dedicate themselves to 90+ minutes of blood and guts, I present to you Angry Alien Productions "30 Second Bunny Theatre."
(An entire feature-length film re-enacted by bunnies in 30 seconds.)
Here are the highlights for today:
Freddy vs. Jason
The Exorcist
Scream
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Alien
The Shining
JAWS (save this one for last; it's worth it.)
I'm sure there are those of you who are familiar with "30 Second Bunny Theatre" from Starz In Demand, but for those who don't have digital cable (and never will), these should be a riot. I have seen all but one in it's original form (Freddy vs. Jason).
Hope you all have a great evening. I hope to have a new review posted by Wednesday night if all goes well.
[Title Quote From: Scream]
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
So this is planet Houston.
Superman II
Rating: 2 out of 5.
Let me start off by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed Superman II (as a child). I distinctly remember sitting at home watching ABC’s televised broadcast of the movie on my parent’s Betamax. I remember this because I had to fast forward through the commercials with the remote (which was still attached to the unit by a cord). The Betamax had been moved into my parent’s bedroom with the spare television set when they finally decided to invest in a “fancy” VHS VCR and Camcorder combo unit for our summer vacation trip.
Back when I was a kid, you didn’t have the luxury of purchasing prerecorded videos so they could be watched at anytime. You waited for a television broadcast or when it was released for rental at a video store. A television broadcast of a big budget movie was a regular event to look forward to in the 1980s (as well as earlier, I presume). Watching a network television broadcast movie didn’t cost you’re parents anything and there was a better chance that they would let you watch it (considering the censors would remove all of the naughty bits and cover up all of the language so they didn’t violate FCC regulations).
I had the first two Superman movies basically memorized by the time I was in middle school. Now that I’m older, after viewing Superman II yesterday afternoon I came to the realization (again) that televised broadcasts can sometimes include footage that isn’t in the original theatrical release. There were specific scenes that I personally remembered watching many times before and not seeing them today. This, of course, did not cross my mind when I first watched the DVD soon after acquiring it back in 2001.
What I find most disappointing about this film now, compared to when it was released over 20 years ago, is that the element of cheese is much higher than before. This cannot really be said of the first film. The first Superman holds up quite well almost 30 years from it’s initial release. Superman II, however, gets worse every time I see it.
Watching this film now, with the maturity that I did not possess when I was a child, I realized that Superman II is really a morality tale. There is a lesson to be learned when you don’t abstain from having premarital sex, especially when you’re a superhero. Superman decides that it’s worth risking everything, losing all of your super powers, just to have sex with Lois Lane. And what happens shortly after this event? Clark Kent gets his ass handed to him by a bully truck driver in a diner. Three not-so-well-landed punches has him on the ground, semi-delusional. Clark is so shocked by his own pain that he doesn’t know how to react. Lois Lane at least fights back (if you call jumping on the truck driver’s back fighting).
Of course, in an attempt to calm down the patrons in the restaurant, the waitress turns on the television and offers to get everyone some fresh coffee. The television slowly comes to life with perfect timing to announce that General Zod has taken over the United States in the course of just a few days. You see what happens when you get hung up on physical urges? Three super villains, apparently from your own home planet, come down to earth hungry as hell for world domination. And let us not forget how they were released from imprisonment: a hydrogen bomb that you released out in space instead of leaving it burrowed in the elevator of the Eiffel Tower. Personally, the French have had it coming for quite some time (but that’s an entirely different post altogether).
Nazlan and myself came to the conclusion, while watching the “udderly” cheese-induced Superman II, that nothing good came of Superman and his newly acquired ability to fornicate. In fact, it was a rather selfish move on his part. Because he decided to bust a super-nut in Lois Lane (yeah, he says he’s “in love”, but don’t they all), he chooses to lose his powers. Apparently taking an oath to “defend the Earth and to protect all of Mankind” is a serious commitment …at least until a girl is willing to touch your pepe.
It may be on a larger scale, but he makes all of the rash decisions that any teenager makes when going through puberty: (1) he feels funny in his tights, so he jumps to the conclusion that he’s “in love” despite parental disapproval and Margot Kidder’s psycho eyes, (2) he gives up much more than he anticipated or should have just to get her out of her pants, and (3) much like a broken condom, the results of his actions tear apart the lives of everyone around him.
In conclusion, the forced lesson of the movie is a simple message, “Superheroes shouldn’t get laid.” If they do, it’s guaranteed that some inter-dimensional jackass with a generic Eastern-European accent and an urge to breathe all over everything will come down and destroy the world.
It’s obvious that Mario Puzo wanted to remind us how important it is for superheroes to not have any social life whatsoever, unless it’s with another superhero. To back this claim up, I’ll leave you with a short dialogue exchange from Kevin Smith’s Mallrats:
Brody: “It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry her child?”
T.S. Quint: “Sure, why not?”
Brody: “He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.”
Watching this film now, with the maturity that I did not possess when I was a child, I realized that Superman II is really a morality tale. There is a lesson to be learned when you don’t abstain from having premarital sex, especially when you’re a superhero. Superman decides that it’s worth risking everything, losing all of your super powers, just to have sex with Lois Lane. And what happens shortly after this event? Clark Kent gets his ass handed to him by a bully truck driver in a diner. Three not-so-well-landed punches has him on the ground, semi-delusional. Clark is so shocked by his own pain that he doesn’t know how to react. Lois Lane at least fights back (if you call jumping on the truck driver’s back fighting).
Of course, in an attempt to calm down the patrons in the restaurant, the waitress turns on the television and offers to get everyone some fresh coffee. The television slowly comes to life with perfect timing to announce that General Zod has taken over the United States in the course of just a few days. You see what happens when you get hung up on physical urges? Three super villains, apparently from your own home planet, come down to earth hungry as hell for world domination. And let us not forget how they were released from imprisonment: a hydrogen bomb that you released out in space instead of leaving it burrowed in the elevator of the Eiffel Tower. Personally, the French have had it coming for quite some time (but that’s an entirely different post altogether).
Nazlan and myself came to the conclusion, while watching the “udderly” cheese-induced Superman II, that nothing good came of Superman and his newly acquired ability to fornicate. In fact, it was a rather selfish move on his part. Because he decided to bust a super-nut in Lois Lane (yeah, he says he’s “in love”, but don’t they all), he chooses to lose his powers. Apparently taking an oath to “defend the Earth and to protect all of Mankind” is a serious commitment …at least until a girl is willing to touch your pepe.
It may be on a larger scale, but he makes all of the rash decisions that any teenager makes when going through puberty: (1) he feels funny in his tights, so he jumps to the conclusion that he’s “in love” despite parental disapproval and Margot Kidder’s psycho eyes, (2) he gives up much more than he anticipated or should have just to get her out of her pants, and (3) much like a broken condom, the results of his actions tear apart the lives of everyone around him.
In conclusion, the forced lesson of the movie is a simple message, “Superheroes shouldn’t get laid.” If they do, it’s guaranteed that some inter-dimensional jackass with a generic Eastern-European accent and an urge to breathe all over everything will come down and destroy the world.
It’s obvious that Mario Puzo wanted to remind us how important it is for superheroes to not have any social life whatsoever, unless it’s with another superhero. To back this claim up, I’ll leave you with a short dialogue exchange from Kevin Smith’s Mallrats:
Brody: “It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry her child?”
T.S. Quint: “Sure, why not?”
Brody: “He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.”
[Title Quote From: Superman II]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)