The 'Burbs

Part Two of Lost & Forgotten Film Treasures of the 1980s.

The 'Burbs (1989)
Directed by Joe Dante
Written by Dana Olsen
Running time: 101 minutes



“Our neighbors are murdering people. They're chopping them up. They're burying them in their backyard.”


The ‘Burbs is a delightfully dark comedy about the normality of life in middle-America suburbia. I was introduced to this film, more than likely, during one of its many broadcasts on cable television after its theatrical release. Ever since then, it’s become a staple in my movie collection and is pulled out quite often when I feel the need for a good laugh.

Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) is your average everyday guy who has become a little concerned with his new neighbors, the Klopeks. Their house and yard are in shambles; they dig in their backyard in the middle of the night, and keep their neighbors up with the weird noises emanating from their basement. As Ray so simply states his observation one night, “I've never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and bang the hell out of it with a stick. I-I've never seen that.”

Now without the support from some of his other neighbors, Ray Peterson probably would have just let sleeping dogs lie. Unfortunately, living in the neighborhood are Art (Rick Ducommun), Ray’s gluttonous slacker next door neighbor, who is way too nosey and has too much time on his hands, and Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), an ex-military nut living across the street, who is just as concerned about the Klopeks as he is about a neighborhood dog crapping on his lawn. The more suspicious the events that take place on their cul-de-sac, the more these three are intent on snooping and spying on the Klopeks.

As expected, things take a turn for the worse. Walter, the elderly gentleman with the best kept lawn on the block and the owner of the lawn-pooping bandit, Queenie, has suddenly gone missing. The events following Walter’s disappearance will keep you laughing, as well as guessing, till the very end.

The ‘Burbs has always been one of my favorite Tom Hanks films, comedic or not. Hanks portrays the reigning everyman, who is pushed to his limits by his neighbors (especially Art) and his wife, Carol, portrayed by the adorable Carrie Fisher (of Star Wars fame). Rather than being simply a meddling prick like Art, Ray is truly concerned about the disappearance of his neighbor, Walter. His sincerity makes his performance so amusing yet so honest.

What I love is how relatable this film is to my life, to anyone who has lived in a neighborhood. We all know the weirdo who never mows his lawn, the family you never ever see coming or going, the angry “Get the hell off my lawn” old man. My cousin and I could have easily been misperceived by our neighbors with the last home I owned. They rarely, if ever, spoke to us and probably thought we were the “gay couple” living next door with the overgrown lawn. They were wrong, but I can imagine what conversations they had at the dinner table because we were probably having similar ones about them. It’s these kinds of normal neighborhood misinterpretations that bring this movie home, the main cause for the hilarious ride Joe Dante takes us on.

Joe Dante, whose other previous films include the horror-comedy Gremlins, and the quirky sci-fi comedy, InnerSpace (which I will cover soon), expertly executes the fine line between paranoia and paranormal. While the script is expertly riddled with bitingly hilarious dialogue, I believe the genius of the plot is that it never leaves their street, Mayfield Place. Where some directors might shy away from this possible hindrance, Dante takes advantage of it by not allowing his characters to leave the neighborhood.

Jerry Goldsmith provides the brilliantly overlooked score, where he takes advantage of every musical cue he can by parodying his other works (listen for remnants of Patton whenever Rumsfield dominates a scene) along with other great composers like Ennio Marricone and his score from Once Upon A Time In The West (when Ray and Art dare each other to go “say hi” to the Klopeks near the beginning of the picture). Goldsmith purposefully uses over the top musical clichés, so much so it almost becomes a character unto itself. I adore the heavy handed pipe organ reminiscent of old silent films when showing the Klopek's decrepit house or the sacharine sweet happy-perfect-neighborhood-all-is-well music he uses in contrast to show the purity and innocence of the cul-de-sac.

More than anything, I like this movie so much because Ray, Art and Rumsfield are like three neighborhood children, whose antics are not far from how I played with my friends when I was a kid. They’re supposed to be adults, but their behaviors are much more consistent with that of eleven-year-old boys who can’t disconnect from playing make-believe long enough to sit down and have dinner with their family. So much so, that Ray acts like a child who mentally shutdowns after a horrible nightmare, while Art and Rumsfield fail to persuade Carol to let him “come out and play.” The scene plays out like a mother and her grounded child rather than that of a husband and wife, and boy do I remember the numerous times when I was kept at bay, unable to go out and conquer the world.

The ‘Burbs is a great picture that honestly makes fun of the normalcy that comes with settling down and making a life for yourself in the suburbs. It also makes you reassess your living conditions and that anyone, if not everyone, can be suspect. After watching this film, you’ll probably never look at your neighbors the same way again.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

I’ve decided to do a multi-part series reviewing and reintroducing to you, my dear readers, some of the best lost or forgotten film treasures of the 1980s. This task was quite difficult for me to put together, since there were a couple of films I had to promptly remove from my list, once I finally sat down re-watched them (Explorers specifically comes to mind recently). Most of these movies I watched growing up as a child or young teenager. Only one film listed in this series was introduced to me at a much later time.

Some of the films I have chosen may be near and dear to your heart, like they are to me. Maybe some of these pictures you’ve heard of, but hadn’t thought about them in years. Others, however, you might feel to be either too cheesy or just plain crap; or as I like to call them, cinematic turds. I’ve especially tried to stay away from as many big blockbusters as I can, since Steven Spielberg has had his fingerprints on at least fifteen financially successful and quite popular films throughout that decade alone. (The final tally shows that I’ve only picked two films where Spielberg was the Executive Producer.) Be that as it may, I chose to pick specific movies from my past that have had some sort of impact on my upbringing, and I continued to re-watch them since their initial introduction into my life.

Each week I plan to provide at least one review, listed alphabetically by title as opposed to chronologically or in any order of emotional importance or significance. So without further ado, here's

Part One of Lost & Forgotten Film Treasures of the 1980s.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
Directed by Stephen Herek
Written by Chris Matheson & Ed Solomon
Running Time: 90 minutes



“Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.”

The first time I remembered seeing this movie, it was at the drive-in. Drive-Ins were still rather popular in 1989 and the whole event seemed much cheaper than dragging your entire family to the movie theater. Food could be snuck in, you didn’t have to worry about people talking behind you, and if the second film of the double-feature stunk, you could drive off and still get to bed on time.

For those not familiar with the plotline, I’ll give you a quick rundown: Bill S. Preston, Esq. (Alex Winter) and Ted “Theodore” Logan (Keanu Reeves) are two dimwitted high school students who are on the verge of flunking their senior year at San Dimas High School. They only have one saving grace in hopes to graduate: ace their high school history class presentation. While on a study break at the Circle-K, Bill and Ted are visited by Rufus (George Carlin), a man who claims to be from the future. Rufus has been given the assignment to assist the two high school losers by letting them use a “time traveling telephone booth” to help them put together their history presentation. According to Rufus, Bill and Ted are considered “the great ones” seven hundred years into the future, whose music has aligned the planets and brought world peace. However, if they don’t graduate, Ted will be shipped off to Alaska Military Academy and they’ll never be able to form their band “Wyld Stallyns” or create their music.

What I really enjoy about this film is that even though there are some rather cheesy moments, including Bill and Ted playing “air guitar” throughout the picture, it’s quite the ingenious script. It starred a large cast of mostly nobodies, with a few cameos like Jane Wiedlin (from The Go-Go’s) as Joan of Arc and Clarence Clemons (from Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) as one of “The Three Most Important People in the World.” Alex Winter had received the most noticeable screen fame at that time for portraying a vampire in The Lost Boys back in 1987, but this movie was really Keanu Reeves’ launching pad and typecast him forever as an airhead, which isn’t completely inaccurate. Reeves had been in a hand full of other films before Bill & Ted, but it wasn’t until this film and the release of Parenthood later that year, which firmly placed him on the map.

The biggest reason why Bill & Ted made this list was that it was a funny and creative, yet semi-educational movie, which my parents approved of because its subject matter was generally clean. There aren’t many PG films released nowadays, and those that are, usually don’t do very well at the box office. Most of the adult-natured jokes that were made (“Sixty-nine, dudes!”) went right over my thirteen-year-old head and didn’t sink in until after I was halfway through high school. It brought historical figures that I read about to life and put them into situations that seemed, at that time, relatively implausible. Who wouldn’t enjoy tossing a nerf football with Billy the Kid or Socrates? Just imagine the conversations you could have, especially if you spoke ancient Greek.

My family drove through San Dimas every time we were en route to my grandparent’s house, so after the film’s release, it became relatable to me on a more personal level. "Waterloo," the water park featured in the movie was actually Raging Waters, the largest water park in California. Only later would I discover that 95% of the movie was actually filmed on location in and around Phoenix, Arizona.

As much as Bill & Ted was a success, it also had the unfortunate repercussions of generically labeling a specific stereotype related to living in southern California. Just like the stereotypical Southern redneck or New York city slicker, the American general public presumed that most, if not all teenagers who lived in southern California, talked, dressed, and acted like a stoned loser who used the words “bogus” and “dude” in their vocabulary on a regular basis.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure sat on the shelves for almost two years before it was released when the film’s original distributor went bankrupt (it was later purchased by Orion, which ironically went bankrupt ten years later). The film was released in February of 1989 and was quite the commercial success, generating over $40 million in ticket sales on a budget of $10 million. The film’s success went on to produce the less-than-stellar sequel, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, as well as a Saturday morning cartoon series that ran for 21 episodes back in 1990-91 and actually featured the voices of Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter and George Carlin.

For those who are interested in visiting or re-visiting a bit of nostalgia from the late 1980s, I highly recommend Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. The movie is pure escapism that combines quirky situational humor with the science fiction of time travel. You’ll find yourself laughing quite a bit during the entire movie, whether in response to the off played, yet sometimes brilliant dialogue, or at the fashion and fads of a movie that’s now twenty years old. (When was the last time you seriously saw a telephone booth, let alone a functioning one?)

You've taken your eye off the ball...

Spider-Man 3
Rating: 2 out of 5.

Ever since I started writing movie reviews and posting them for the world to see, I always felt drawn to title my review post with a quote from that picture. This one isn't any different. I did, however, search for a line that seemed appropriate to my personal views towards this film. I feel that this title sums up exactly how I view the third installment in the very profitable Spider-Man franchise.

Before I go any further, I want to point out that there will be spoilers in this review. Now I understand that it's a good chance everyone and their grandmother already saw this movie in the theaters this past summer, but I figured I would at least be considerate to those who have not yet laid theirs eyes upon this CG-laden superhero train wreck.

First off, this film felt as if it was two movies carelessly smashed into one and all of the possible "good" parts were cut out due to time constraints. Peter Parker opens the film with a voice-over narration expressing to us, the audience, that his life as Spider-Man and his relationship with Mary Jane Watson is just going splendidly. We are then introduced to Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), a man who has just escaped from prison. While in hot pursuit, Marko accidentally runs on to some sort of "test site" where he ends up being transformed into the Sandman.

While everything seems just too good to be true in Peter's world, things are actually starting to fall apart all around him. While Peter and Mary Jane casually lounge on a giant spider web holding each other close, a meteor from out of nowhere pops down from the earth's atmosphere and conveniently lands in the same vicinity as our protagonist. As our two love birds are unaware of this astrological phenomenon that has taken place right underneath their noses, a mysterious black ooze makes its way out of the meteor and just in time latches itself onto Peter's scooter before they leave the park.

Peter, overcome with love, goes to his Aunt May's apartment late that very same night and expresses to her that he wants to propose to Mary Jane. After telling a touching story about Uncle Ben and his proposal, Aunt May gives Peter her engagement ring. Then, out of no where, while Peter makes his way back home, he's attacked by Harry Osborne. A very nice choreographed fight sequence in the air ensues. But in the end, Harry gets a nasty bump on the head and ends up with temporary short-term memory loss.

Meanwhile, Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), a newly arrived photographer, has Peter competing for a recently opened permanent position at The Daily Bugle. Eddie's photographs seem to be just as good as Peter's and he's willing to do anything to get that spot over Peter.

Now I could keep going on and on, but honestly, I don't have the will nor the stamina. Besides, this is supposed to be a review, not a scene-by-scene account of what happened in this film. So as you can see, there's a lot going on in this movie. So much so, that the film borderlines on two and a half hours running time with piss-poor pacing issues.

The first mistake this film made is that it decided to follow the road most travelled when it came to poorly executed superhero movies: the more villians the merrier. The more villians you introduce, the less screen time they all have, which leads to under developed characters and big plot holes in the storyline.

I found it awefully convenient that the black ooze

Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.

For the past several weeks I've been contemplating creating a TOP 5 LIST of my favorite films that involve Christmas but are not about Christmas. At first glance, I thought this list was going to be very easy to compile.

However, the more I kept thinking about it, the harder it became to come up with five films that were worthy of being on my "TOP 5."

After quite some time of careful and frustrating analyzing, I finally came up with my five favorite films that take place around Christmas but aren't about Christmas. I thought that this list would be rather fun instead of picking my five favorite Christmas movies. Something different and unusual if you're looking to watch a movie that involves but isn't about Christmas:

#5. Gremlins

Do you remember the three rules you must strictly follow when in possession of a Mogwai?
(1) Keep it away from bright lights, especially sunlight, which can kill it. (2) Do not get it wet with water. (3) Never, under any circumstances, feed it after midnight.

However, if you break all three of these rules, you end up with an extremely hilarious horror-comedy that takes place during Christmas. I can't recall how many times I've actually seen this movie, but it's been many years and there are so many scenes that flood my memories it's a surprise that I didn't end up one twisted individual. There are so many violent moments in this film that it was apparently one of two pictures released in 1984 (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) that influenced the MPAA to create the PG-13 Rating. I find it amusing that the two films that tipped the scales for the new PG-13 Rating were both in relation to Steven Spielberg.

Billy Peltzer: "They're watching Snow White. And they love it."

Christmas song that is permanently burned into my brain related to this movie: The film's score is creepy, funny and weird enough to keep me from thinking of one specific song that stood out. However, the more I think about it, "Heigh Ho" does spark a few memories, which is pretty sad considering that it should make me think of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs first.

#4. Lethal Weapon

What better way to celebrate the season than with a movie that practically invented the "buddy cop" genre. This film firmly placed Mel Gibson into stardom and the rest is now history. Danny Glover and Gibson play very well off of each other as the straight-laced older cop who is given a "loose cannon" of a partner with obvious mental issues. The end result is a sharply written script with plenty of laughs and plenty of action, even if the a majority of the story is quite implausible (you could also say the same thing about my #1). However, we don't watch these movies for proper police work and realism. We watch these movies to be entertained, and this one does just that. Glover and Gibson are a fantastic crime fighting duo and you get the chance to to see a younger and thinner Gary Busey before he went completely insane.

Martin Riggs: "This is a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real f**king gun!"

Christmas song that is permanently burned into my brain related to this movie: "Jingle Bell Rock"

#3. Go

I knew I was forgetting this one as well and have to thank Willis for pointing this one out to me as well. Some see this film as a shallow ripoff of Pulp Fiction but I disagree. Go follows the events and the aftermaths of a drug deal during Christmas. The films is split up into three segments and is told in three different points of view. This film is just another shining example of a movie that takes place during Christmas but has nothing to do with Christmas, whatsoever. My cat's name also comes from one of the leads in the film, Ronna. She's quite the bitch but you end up liking her anyways (you can say the same thing about my cat). Besides, who doesn't enjoy watching Jay Mohr and Scott Wolf portray a brilliantly funny gay couple?

[Referring to the Family Circus comic strip]
Todd: "And it's always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck."

Christmas song that is permanently burned into my brain related to this movie: None.

#2. The Apartment

I have to give props to Willis for helping me pick this one of out. This film had completely slipped my mind as one that takes place during the holiday season, but in all realization, the most crucial plot points in this film take place on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year's Eve. Jack Lemmon stars in this brilliant Billy Wilder comedy about a man who tries to move up the corporate ladder by lending out his apartment to executives for trysts. Outside of catching the occasional cold (due to waiting outdoors to get back into his apartment) C.C. Baxter has no problems with the trade. He quickly moves up the ladder but runs into a quandary when the girl he's interested in is his bosses mistress. It just goes to show you that having a successful career comes in at a distant second to finding the love of your life.

C.C. Baxter: "Ya know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe. I mean shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand and there you were."

Christmas song that is permanently burned into my brain related to this movie: None.

#1. Die Hard

Bring home the holidays in style by killing some European terrorists, blowing up a building all while saving your estranged marriage. What other way would you want to spend Christmas Eve? Bruce Willis stakes his claim (and becomes a household name) with this fantastic action/adventure film that ended up laying the ground work for several stereotypical 1990s genre action films: (1) it opened the door to the large-scale explosion-filled popcorn movies; (2) reinstated the "one-liner" that only seemed present in James Bond pictures and (3) responsible for creating the "action hero" archetype where they had minimal dialog, wearing a few pieces of clothing and always appearing grizzled. Many have tried to duplicated it (including a sub-standard sequel along with a crappy title and the coincidence of being on Christmas Eve yet again) but they all fail in comparison: Speed - "Die Hard on a Bus", Under Siege - "Die Hard on a Ship" and so on and so forth.

John McClane: "Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister."

Christmas song that is permanently burned into my brain related to this movie: "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Ref
Very underrated film involving Christmas Eve as Dennis Leary, a burglar on the run, who takes a feuding married couple hostage. FYI: Language is rather harsh in this one, so watch at your own risk.

Trading Places
I can't remember if I had seen this film in its entirety until earlier this week, but it definitely lands on the honorable mention list. Quite the hilarious comedy starring Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy who have their positions in life reversed by the hands of two callous millionaires.

You've Got Mail
This ended up making my honorable mentions list cause I always end up watching it during the holiday season even though the films entire time line takes place from early autumn to the spring of next year. Sorry, it's a guilty pleasure, but I love how Joe Fox (Hanks) slowly and creatively weaves his online persona with his real life persona to make Kathleen Kelly (Ryan) fall in love with both.

Batman Returns
I remember Christmas themes throughout the film and the obvious winter elements that take place. Not sure how much more I can really mention other than it's fun to watch Michelle Pfeiffer in skin tight vinyl.

Rocky IV
The climatic boxing match takes place on Christmas Day. What more do you want from me? It's a Rocky movie... not much else to mention about it.

If you feel that I've failed to mention a film that deserves to be on this list, please post a reply so I can look forward to watching it next year or kicking myself for forgetting it in the first place.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. This will probably be my last post before January, so I hope you all enjoy spending time with your family and friends. Be safe and don't do anything too stupid that you'll end up regretting it later. At least don't do anything I wouldn't do. Other than that, I wish you all the best and I'll see you in 2007.

Until next time, dear readers.

One-stop shopping; everything you need, right at your fingertips.

My film viewing for the past week or so has been rather interesting to say the least. When I finally thought that I was done with scary movies for the season, I suddenly became interested in seeing some zombie movies.

Now I know what I said before. I don't like zombie movies. However, a few friends at work thought that I should at least watch all of Romero's zombie flicks so I could at least say that I've watched them once.

Once is a very good word 'cause I don't see myself wanting to watch any of these movies again any time soon. I truly feel after watching the five films involving flesh-eating zombies that I've almost become desensitized from the gore. Now that doesn't mean that I want to keep seeing it, but it doesn't have the same effect on me as once before. And I'm not really sure if that's a good thing.

My buddy had all of Romero's zombie flicks except the 1968 original. He did, however, have the remake from 1990. I double checked with another friend from work who couldn't dig up the original either (even though he claimed to own it). So on some level, I feel that I haven't completed my zombie journey through film, but one day maybe I will. Until then, I can always watch the 30 Second Version Re-Enacted by Bunnies. These reviews are also posted in the order they were viewed.

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Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Written by George A. Romero
Directed by Tom Savini

Some claim it to be remade shot-for-shot, but that's impossible considering the fact that Romero re-wrote Night specifically updating the script with a more modern approach and taking the female lead protagonist and making her much more motivated and a self sufficient character (Savini was inspired by Sigourney Weaver's portrayal of Ellen Ripley from the Alien films). Apparently that was not the case with Barbara in the original. Romero asked Tom Savini to direct the film (known primarily for doing special make-up effects from Dawn of the Dead to the present day) who, according to the opinion of most fans, created a competent remake.

The film has a direct-to-video feel to it even though it was released theatrically. Allegedly it was a failure at the box office. The first twenty minutes are rather cheesy with the over dramatized score, goof-ball acting by Barbara's brother and Barbara's screaming every thirty seconds when a zombie pops into view. In 1968 this would have been one interesting commentary on society: While racial tensions were flying high in the 1960s, you have a black man refusing to take orders from a white man and the human nature of man trying to survive at any cost. A truly astounding statement at that time.

Once Ben arrives, the film becomes a bit more serious with his input on the situation and the revelation of what might being going on out in there. The film, aside from the zombies and their make up and a few special effects shots, is mostly void of the blood and guts I was expecting to see. Most of the dialog that's delivered by the cast feels somewhat forced and corny. This film is nothing to write home about but I've seen much worse in regards to direction.

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Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Written and Directed by George A. Romero

Now imagining that I correct my "walking dead time line" back to 1968 when the original was released, Dawn is to be taking place ten years later. There is still an obvious problem throughout the country (if not the world) that anyone who dies will end up rising again wanting to feed on the living. This becomes one hell of a vicious cycle (especially once we get to the end of this series).

Four people decide to leave the confines of a seemingly increasing zombie filled city for something else. What they end up coming across while traveling is a shopping mall. They decide to hold up there indefinitely, while coming up with a sure-fire way to avoid the walking dead who vacate the mall at the same time. However, what they discover is that the zombies still cling to some kind of memory (with what few electrons that are still firing in their brains) but their plans all end up going south eventually.

Several months pass by, and even though they've lost one party member, they seem to be adjusting very well to their secluded environment. This all comes to a screeching halt when a gang of bikers, while scouting out the mall, discover the helicopter on the roof top. What soon ensues is death and carnage while our heroes fend off, to the best of their abilities, the biker gang and the dead that are still meandering throughout the shopping mall.

As dated as this film was (blue make-up for the zombies to establish that their flesh was decaying and the "too red" red blood that seemed to be consistent with most films starting with The Wild Bunch to the mid 1980s), it holds up rather well. It's a bit slow in it's pacing and I found the film hard to follow at first. It didn't seem to properly establish what was going on in the first act before our protagonists arrive at the mall. Romero, even though he's labeled the "Godfather of Zombie Flicks", seems to enjoy writing about the decay of human society when they're presented with something that they can't control no matter how hard they try. By far the best film of the series.

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Dawn of the Dead (2004) (Remake)
Written by James Gunn
Directed by Zack Snyder

This "re-envision" of Romero's 1978 cult classic leaves much to be desired. It is far inferior to the original and is a product of the MTV generation. It completely skips past the initial plot outline of Night and attempts to combine the two ideas into one film. The only saving grace of this film was the casting of Ving Rhames. Anyone caught up in the possibility of the dead coming back to life to wreak havoc on the planet would want a character like Rhames by your side. A no nonsense bad-ass "MO-FO" who can handle himself and isn't gonna take crap from anyone.

The highlights of the film, weighed in contrast to it's faults, don't make it a very memorable picture aside from these parts: Rhames' character communicating with the gun shop owner on the roof top via dry-erase boards (sniper shots on celebrity look-a-like zombies, playing chess, etc.); one of the protagonists worked for Best Buy; Tom Savini has a cameo in both Dawn films; mimicking the original with the decay of human society when put into an extreme situation.

Andre: [to Michael] "Hey, my man... I hear you talkin' a lot, you know, you're always sayin' something... Who the f*** are you, that we should listen? Were you, like, in a special ops unit in the marines? What the f*** do you do?"
Michael: "I sell televisions at Best Buy."
Andre: [to Kenneth] "Hey, officer! How do you like following a guy that sells TVs?"
Kenneth: "About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone."

One of the faults of the film is the casting of Mekhi Phifer as the "stereotypical black criminal." The man has the acting chops to handle much more complex roles like in Clockers as well as in the television series ER. Instead he's typecast into playing the hood with a gun who happens to have a pregnant wife with him. Secondly, the introduction to some kind of zombie infant might have been an interesting concept on paper but the final execution on film just doesn't translate.

It's very difficult, at least for me, to find zombies that scary if they're moving fast. That whole I'm-learning-how-to-walk-again-because-I-was-dead-a-minute-ago feel is very disturbing. Zombies who run at full force may be frightening at first (28 Days Later involved people infected with "rage", not to be confused with zombies), but the creepy thing about slow-moving zombies is that they're almost never a threat until they start to grow in numbers. You turn your head for a second and it's still there, attempting to climb the stairs. But if you stop paying attention to your surroundings, you'll discover that he's still there, that he's climbed the stairs and apparently has decided to bring another 25 friends along with him.

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Day of the Dead (1985)
Written and Directed by George A. Romero

A much weaker third act in the entire zombie series, Day of the Dead involves a few scientists grouped with a small band of military officers holed up in an underground facility located somewhere in Florida. Romero apparently was given the choice of having a $7 million budget if he could keep an R rating on the picture. If he chose to release the film unrated, his budge would be cut in half. Romero chose to go with the latter part of the deal given to him by his producers and eventually released the film unrated. (All of Romero's films, except Land of the Dead, have been theatrically released unrated.)

The dead are experimented on by a scientist Dr. Logan, nicknamed by the military personnel as "Frankenstein." Dr. Logan has discovered that even with the most basic of motor functions and the desire to feed even without the ability to digest or process what they're eating, that there are specific ones that are starting to learn and adapt to their surroundings. The "zombie race" that was introduced back in 1968 has apparently been evolving. One thing that is evident throughout the entire Dead series is that the dead will eventually get in to where the living are and wreak havoc in some way shape or form.

The central theme of this film is that humanity is a greater risk to itself than any outside interference. The pacing of this film is much more fluid than it's predecessor but the cheesiness is still very evident. The characters that are the most passionate about their position (specifically the Capt. Rhodes, leading the military and Dr. Logan, leading the scientists) usually deliver most of the labored dialog that makes it difficult to choke down the seriousness of what they are suppose to be representing. It's easier to identify with the "Regular Joe's" in the picture like the helicopter pilots.

Day is also over-the-top with it's violent gore-filled death scenes that arrive at the climax of the film. Outside of a few brief encounters with the blood and guts of the autopsy room where Dr. Logan performs his experiments, the entire middle part of the film is almost gore-free. Romero makes up for it by the utterly disgusting and prolonged zombie feasting scenes before our heroes escape from the carnage.

On a separate side note about the films: If there ever was some kind of zombie breakout through the land, it might be smart to know how to fly a helicopter. It's seems fairly evident that half of Romero's films involve the use of a helicopter and its usefulness in escaping from flesh-eating zombies at the end of the picture.

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Land of the Dead (2005)
Written and Directed by George A. Romero

It's been 19 years since Day of the Dead and the zombie situation hasn't improved. It's been nearly 40 years since the original release of Night of the Living Dead and it's very difficult to put your thumb on the actual time line that Romero is trying to convey. Either way, time has passed and the country (if not the world) is increasing in numbers with it's walking dead.

The story takes place around Pittsburgh (also Romero's hometown) where the current society had been able to create a fairly safe city for the living to reside in all the while keeping the walking dead at a considerable distance. It's the first of Romero's Dead films to involve big named stars and the first to involve CG special effects. The film casts such stars as John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Simon Baker and Asia Argento. It also seems to be the only film in the series where the walking dead are referred to as zombies:

Kaufman (Hopper): "Zombies, man. They creep me out."

The people who have survived this horrible epidemic are permitted to live beneath a feudal-like government somewhere within the city. Classes are much more evident in this film and if you have the cash, you can find yourself living in "Fiddler's Green", a large condo building with state-of-the-art security. If you're lower on the food chain (literally), you end up living in poverty or on the streets.

Romero does a fairly decent job portraying how a human society usually ends up functioning when democracy is no longer an option. Unfortunately, with all of the brilliant social commentary made throughout these films, like the additional evolution of the zombies to the extent of organization and a common goal, you have to deal with so much carnage it makes you sick to your stomach. Hence the reason why I don't like watching zombie movies. I can deal with the slow-moving creepiness factor. I can deal with being seriously outnumbered and trying to find a place of refuge. I can deal with going from town to town raiding stores and shopping malls for food and supplies. But once it involves people getting torn in half and being eaten, I've had enough.

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After watching all of that throughout the past week I even decided to borrow The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at the same time (I think that I'm just a glutton for punishment). I first watched the film close to 10 years ago and it didn't seem to scare me or creep me out in the slightest. I rented it back when I really starting getting into movies in general and wanted to watch some of the more iconic horror films.

Apparently 10 years between myself and the film still hasn't had any additional affect on me. I don't insult the integrity of the film itself. The entire ambiance of the film is rather disturbing and there are certain scenes that create a very unsettling effect. The score is unnervingly primal and the false documentation at the beginning before the credits is brilliant. Other than that, the film failed to put itself in the same category as The Exorcist or The Blair Witch Project as one of the scariest movies I've ever seen... of course that just my opinion. I could be wrong.

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After viewing all of the Dead films, I distinctively remember saying out loud to the cat, "Man, I need to watch something with fluffy bunnies in it or something."

To wipe clean all of the creepy crawlies, as well as cleanse my movie-watching pallet, I popped in The Iron Giant. I highly recommend this animated feature directed by Brad Bird, the writer and director of Pixar's The Incredibles. I'd give more of a synopsis, but I'm just plain tired of writing right now and I'm gonna end up spending the next hour re-reading this entire post about ten more times before I find all of the grammatical errors before it finally gets posted.

I also had the opportunity to see The Prestige last Saturday night and was rather impressed. I am, however, in need of a second or third viewing before I'm able to write a competent review. I have two paragraphs sitting on a separate document just waiting to be released at later time.

Until next time, dear readers.

That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six.

Recent Ads for Casino Royale, the 21st James Bond movie, has had me in a quandary to sum up my thoughts on the previous 20 films. You can find the most current trailer here (Quicktime is required and it's beneficial to have a broadband connection).



There has been a huge backlash in the casting of Daniel Craig as the most recent James Bond. I'm only going to make one comment on this casting: He wouldn't have been my choice, but he seems to fit the characteristics of the literary James Bond.

I don't usually pass judgment on the actors playing Bond as much as the film itself. While Sean Connery is my favorite James Bond, Timothy Dalton portrayed the most accurate literary version of the character created by Ian Fleming. I haven't read every book written by Fleming, but I've always come to the conclusion that unless you've read a few of his books, you will never have a clear understanding of who James Bond really is.

I grew up watching Roger Moore's portrayal of James Bond. A few gems came out of his share of the franchise, but they were mostly laden with serious cheese, obvious stunt doubles, horrendous bell-bottom pants and painful over-synthesized disco soundtracks. When I was a kid, I loved those movies. Revisiting them as an adult with a more critical eye, there were quite a few that left a lot to be desired.



Dr. No (1962)
It didn't display all of the elements of a typical Bond film, but it was a great starting block: We get the womanizing Bond, the gambling Bond as well as the judge, jury and executioner Bond. Connery nailed the role from the start and everyone else since him have been playing James Bond in his shadow.
Rating: 4 out of 5.

From Russia With Love (1963)
A classic romantic adventure film with a startling opening of James Bond being killed. Includes the introduction of some of the first gadgets Bond is issued including the briefcase with hidden compartments. Also had another one of my Top 5 Bond Girls, Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi).
Rating: 5 out of 5.

Goldfinger (1964)
By far my favorite Bond film and usually hailed by most fans and critics alike as the quintessential James Bond movie. Talk about gadgets: the Aston Martin DB5 makes it debut with rotating license plates, water jets, smoke screen, radar and ejector seat. Auric Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe) set the standard as the perfect Bond villian, while Oddjob became one of the best henchmen of the Bond Franchise. Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman) starts the list of my Top 5 Bond Girls.
Rating: 5 out of 5.

Thunderball (1965)
Rather enjoyable film as Connery comfortably fills the shoes of Bond once more. However, you might not like me after stating this, but I preferred the remake Never Say Never Again released by Warner back in 1983.
Rating: 4 out of 5.

You Only Live Twice (1967)
This bond film really wasn't my cup of tea. Besides, are we actually suppose to believe that Connery can pull off being Japanese (even for a brief period of time)? I also have a hard time believing Donald Pleasance as a serious villain. The set designs are great but when space is involved in Bond films, I have a hard time suspending my disbelief.
Rating: 3 out of 5.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
I know, it's out of sequence, but I decided to group all of Connery's films together. Because of Connery's high fee, the film's special effects budget was significantly scaled back, which was apparent on screen. Let us also not forget the "gay" assassins as well. However, if it hadn't been for this film, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery might not have ever been born.
Rating: 3 out of 5.



On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
One of the better written Bond films starring "that other guy." George Lazenby does a decent job picking up the slack that Connery left behind. He also ends up portraying the only Bond who gets married to Tracy Di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg), another one of my Top 5 Bond Girls. It's also difficult to see Kojak (Telly Savalas) as Blofeld, the mastermind behind S.P.E.C.T.R.E.
Rating: 4 out of 5.



Live and Let Die (1973)
After Connery turned down the then astronomical sum of $5.5 million to return as Bond, Roger Moore then enters the scene. Weird voo-doo surrounds the storyline as well as introduces to the rest of the world the undeniably gorgeous Jane Seymour as Solitaire, one of my Top 5 Bond Girls. Yaphet Kotto, who portrays Mr. Big / Kananga, stars as one of my favorite Bond villains as well as Baron Samedi (Geoffrey Holder) as one of the better henchmen of the Bond Franchise. Includes one of the best James Bond songs performed by Paul McCartney.
Rating: 4 out of 5.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
One of the corniest of the entire Bond Franchise. Christopher Lee as Scaramanga, his henchman, Nick Nack (Herve Villechaize, also known as Tattoo from Fantasy Island) are anything but to be taken seriously.
Rating: 2 out of 5.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
A return to form... for the most part. The music is definitely showing it's disco era and the one-liners keep coming but the story is solid.
Rating: 4 out of 5.

Moonraker (1979)
Space + James Bond = Mostly retarded movie. It's sad, too, because I really loved this movie when I was a kid. It's amazing how things change when you get older.
Rating: 2 out of 5.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)
The last decent Roger Moore film. This film also still displays the ever present disco era music but you also come to the realization that as much as Bond is a sex fiend, he's not a pervert. Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet) also deserves an honorable mention just missing my Top 5 Bond Girls list.
Rating: 4 out of 5.

Octopussy (1983)
Moore is seriously showing his age but apparently can still attract an audience and a pay check. A weak script along with an aging bond are no match for the knife-throwing twins along with a travelling circus and a mostly absurd plot. Sneaking the film score into the flute of a snake charmer, as an under cover agent attracting Bond's attention, was a pretty lame act, too.
Rating: 2 out of 5.

A View to a Kill (1985)
If Moore wasn't showing his age before, he definitely is now. Even having Christopher Walken as the evil Max Zorin can't compete with the butch Grace Jones, Tanya "I scream too much" Roberts and a snowboarding Bond in the opening scene. It did, however, give us one of the better James Bond songs performed by Duran Duran.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5.



The Living Daylights (1987)
A return to the format, the cold war, is always a good indication that James Bond still serves a purpose. Timothy Dalton enters the scene and apparently proceeds to piss off quite a few fans in the process as not being either suave enough, like Connery, or not old enough to execute the perfect one-liners, like Moore. It still produced a decent story and some neat gadgets as well as Dalton being a closer representation of the literary James Bond.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5.

License to Kill (1989)
Dalton returns, pissed as always... except this time he goes rogue and loses his license to kill. It was the first Bond film to be rated PG-13 for excessive violence and seems to lose some of it's charm because of it. Apparently Bond exacting revenge isn't always the best formula to follow.
Rating: 2 out of 5.



GoldenEye (1995)
Pierce Brosnan brought to the roll a fantastic combination of Connery's class and Moore's humor along with his own style. The best bond to hit the silver screen since For Your Eyes Only and it starred the last girl on my Top 5 Bond Girls list, Famke Jessen as Xenia Onatopp.
Rating: 5 out of 5.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
A much weaker plot involving a deranged media mogul arranging international incidents for headlines and pitting world superpowers against each other. Brosnan still knocks the role out of the park, but the story suffers in the process.
Rating: 2 out of 5.

The World Is Not Enough (1999)
The only Bond film I've only seen once... and once was enough. Horrible acting along with a terrible storyline involving Bond protecting an oil heiress from a ruthless anarchist whose total imperviousness to pain makes him a virtually unstoppable enemy. That and Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist. Um, yeah... sure, completely believable.
Rating: 1 out of 5.

Die Another Day (2002)
Brosnan's final film was extremely over the top but it's execution was superb. Much more enjoyable that the previous, it redeemed itself with an entertaining storyline by having Bond being captured behind enemy lines in North Korea, tortured, stripped of his 00-license and being abandoned by MI-6. The remainder of the film has Bond attempting to exact revenge on who set him up in North Korea all while plays homage to the other 19 Bond films in the process.
Rating: 3 out of 5.

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My final comments about the upcoming Casino Royale...


Martin Campbell is directing, which is good. He directed Brosnan in GoldenEye. The budget for Casino Royale is significantly smaller than the previous three films: $72 million. The budgets for the last three Bond films: Die Another Day $142 million, The World Is Not Enough $135 million and Tomorrow Never Dies $110 million.

Always a good sign when you can make the next picture at half of the last film's budget. It's also pretty smart considering that they have a new star that may not be as bankable as the last. However, Martin Campbell also stated that he wanted to do a toned down Bond film with less action and explosions. Watching the trailer doesn't necessarily back that comment. Oh well, who knows...

Until next time, dear readers.

The Power of Christ Compels You.

The Dude's Sister: What, would you say, is your most favorite "ultra suspense" movie of all-time?

That's such a tough question because I always seem to break horror movies into sub-genres. So here is my attempt to break them down:

(I might have lifted a summary here and there from IMDb.com, just to speed things up.)

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WHERE IN THE HELL ARE MY PANTS?!?
(Movies that scare the pants off of you.)

28 Days Later (2002)
Directed by Danny Boyle
"His fear began when he woke up alone. His terror began when he realized he wasn't."


I think the main reason why I find this film so brilliant and undeniably disturbing is that the premise seems realistic. A powerful virus escapes from a British research facility. Transmitted in a drop of blood and devastating within seconds, the virus locks those infected into a permanent state of murderous rage. The outbreak sweeps across London over the course of a month and lays waste to a majority of the population. Jim (Cillian Murphy), our protagonist, wakes from a coma in a deserted hospital and finds himself searching for any survivors in the now vacant city.


The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Directed by Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sánchez
"In October of 1994 three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittsville, Maryland, while shooting a documentary...A year later their footage was found."


The majority consensus, when it comes to this fim, is either: it truly scared me to death or it was a giant pile of rubbish. This film is the defining compass as to the ability to suspend your disbelief. So much time and effort went into creating a rich history with mock television specials, websites, etc., that it was hard to determine what you were seeing was real or just horse manure. The film thrives on how good your active imagination is and will it have you looking over your shoulder by the time the credits roll?

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IS THAT A STITCH IN MY SIDE OR AM I BEING DISEMBOWELED?
(Movies that are humorously horrifying.)

Evil Dead II (1987)
Directed by Sam Raimi
"Kiss Your Nerves Good-Bye!"


Sometimes satire is considered one of the highest forms of flattery. This works twice as well when you satirize your own work. Some consider it a remake, others consider it a sequel. Either way, Evil Dead II is a splendid blend of horror and comedy reuniting Ash (Bruce Campbell) with a deserted house in the woods and the Necronomicon (the book of the dead). The result is a laugh-a-minute goofball gore-filled adventure as Ash (armed with only a shotgun and chainsaw) tries to save himself and a set of strangers from demon possession and quite possibly the end of the world.


Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Directed by Edgar Wright
"A romantic comedy. With zombies."


A brilliant British comedy with the disturbing images of a zombie flick. Shaun (Simon Pegg) is a 29-year-old with no real ambition in life, much to the consternation of his friends, family, and fed-up girlfriend. All of these things come to a screeching hault when London is suddenly overtaken by flesh-eating zombies. Shaun, with the help of his loser friend Ed, must now come to the rescue of his mum, step dad and ex-girlfriend armed with only a shovel, a cricket bat and his wit.

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YOU'LL ONLY DIE IF YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN.
(Slasher movies with a pre-determined set of rules.)

Halloween (1978)
Directed by John Carpenter
"The Night HE Came Home!"


A group of unsuspecting teenage girls are stalked by an escaped mental patient who murdered his sister on Halloween when he was only six years old. He has returned to his hometown to repeat his crime, pursued only by his psychiatrist, who believes that his patient is the manifestation of pure evil. John Carpenter and his crew shot this film in 21 days with budget of $300,000. Halloween is high on suspense, low on blood and guts and it works. Rumor has it that when the film was first screened, it only received mediocre reviews. After Carpenter added the now iconic film score, it suddenly became too intense for some viewers. Just goes to prove how valuable a film score can truly be.


Scream (1996)
Directed by Wes Craven
"Make Your Last Breath Count."


A teenage girl (Neve Campbell) becomes the target of a killer who has stalked and killed one of her classmates. A tabloid news reporter (Courtney Cox) is determined to uncover the truth, insisting that the man who raped and killed Campbell's mother one year earlier is the same man who is terrorizing her now. Scream made you re-evaluate how you looked at every other horror movie (sucessfully proving the point that if you were a virgin, and in a horror movie, it was a very good chance you survive). With it's tongue-in-cheek dialog, this independent horror film became a smash hit when people realized that you could have just as much fun laughing as you could screaming.

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DUDE, DID YOU JUST SEE SOMETHING?
(Movies that make you sit on the edge of your seat.)

Alien (1979)
Directed by Ridley Scott
"In space no one can hear you scream."


When commercial towing vehicle Nostromo, heading back to Earth, intercepts an SoS signal from a nearby planet, the crew are under obligation to investigate. One of the crew members is put into a coma by an alien creature while investigating. What follows shortly after is one of the most intense and suspenseful pictures I've ever witnessed. The alien creature proceeds to eliminate every crew member on the ship, one by one. Ridley Scott sucessfully created a haunted house-like film where it made you wonder what would happen next at every turn. The film is also a great social commentary on the evils of commerical corporate conglomerates. It's the perfect mixture of science fiction, horror and unrelenting suspense.


Signs (2002)
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
"It's Not Like They Didn't Warn Us."


In Bucks County, Pennsylvania, a five-hundred-foot crop circle is found on the farm of Graham Hess (Gibson), the town's reverend. The circles cause a media frenzy and test Hess's faith as he journeys to find out the truth behind the crop circles. Many would argue that this film shouldn't belong next to other horror titles. That's why I have sub-genres. While this film has next to no blood and gore associated with it, it does display an extremely high level of suspense. As if corn fields weren't creepy enough already, with the assistance of Mr. Shyamalan, they become the direct source of anxiety and anticipation. I have yet to watch another film involving an alien invasion that seems more realistic than this one here. Plus I can't fail to mention that this was the first film that I can recall making Willis jump out of his seat. That, if nothing more, was well worth the price of admission.

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I'LL TAKE AN M16 ALONG WITH A CLEAN PAIR OF SHORTS.
(The action-movie scare-fest experience.)

Aliens (1986)
Directed by James Cameron
"This time it's war."


The only survivor of the Nostromo, Ripley is discovered in deep sleep half a century later by a salvage ship. When she is taken back to Earth, she learns that a human colony was founded on the same planet where the aliens were first found. After contact with the colony is lost, she finds herself sent back to the planet along with a team of marines. James Cameron sucessfully writes and directs the sequel and takes the general haunted house premise and turns it into a full-fledged rollercoaster ride. The action is satisfying, the horror is sometimes unbearable and the tension and suspense is unwavering. Once the aliens arrive on screen, the pacing is unbelievably quick and you hardly have time to catch your breath before the picture fades to black.


From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
Directed by Robert Rodriguez
"One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it's going to be a hell of a night."


Penned by Quentin Tarantino, From Dusk Till Dawn is the story of two criminals and their hostages who unknowingly seek temporary refuge in an establishment populated by vampires. This film is what I call a "half-n-half." Half Tarantino dialog-driven action film, half insane vampire action-gore fest. Robert Rodriguez role didn't end with director on this film. He also was his own director of photography, producer and editor. Any Rodriguez or Tarantino fan should and probably does love this film. It's a has little bit of everything, just like "Benny's World of Liquor."

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THE CHANNEL CHANGER.
(Movies that you just can't watch ever again.)

The Exorcist (1973)
Directed by William Friedkin
"Somewhere between science and superstition, there is another world. The world of darkness."


Based on the novel by William Peter Blatty (based on actual events) involves around a visiting actress in Washington, D.C. who has noticed dramatic and psychological changes in her daughter. She seeks out help through a pyschologist, who also happens to be a priest. The escalated situation calls upon the aid of another priest, when all hope seems to be lost. The girl seems to be possessed by a demon. The Exorcist is the kind of film that disturbs be down to my core. I've probably seem the film twice in it's entirety and never plan to watch the film again. Coming from a strong christian-based family and background, the film strikes too close to home pyschologically and more specifically, spiritually. That's why I've labeled this film as "The Channel Changer." If I ever come across it on television, the channel is immediately changed. I'm sure everyone has a film that has this kind of affect on them. I can readily admit that The Exorcist is by far, the scariest and the most unnerving film I've ever seen.

He’s the entire country squeezed into one pair of pants.

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Rating: 3 out of 5.

Many words came to mind when this DVD arrived rather promptly in my mailbox on Saturday. Most of those words I probably shouldn’t repeat. For the past week my buddy Brandon and I had been chewing over the fact that if we were going to start reviewing AFI’s 100 Years, 100 Movies, it’d have to start with this one.

Brandon has his own review site (a permanent link is also located to your left under “Other Players”), and hopefully he’ll have his review posted sometime next week. He’s been on the road working, so he can’t post as often as he’d like. This traveling is what has brought him to my humble home on numerous occasions over the past couple of months.

The previous weekend found us searching 3 different video stores looking for a DVD copy of Yankee Doodle Dandy and we (thank goodness) came up short. I think there was a huge sigh of relief from Brandon (as well as myself) when we couldn’t find a decent copy to rent. Hollywood Video was the only proprietor that carried a copy, but my VCR has been decommissioned for several years (and I can’t stand the poor quality compared to DVD). Brandon left for work on Sunday afternoon, safely avoiding the singing and dancing extravaganza for another weekend.

Well, another week had past, and by Saturday afternoon, a copy of Yankee Doodle Dandy laid resting in my mailbox. I renewed my subscription to Netflix on Friday morning before leaving for work, much to Brandon’s surprise. I’ll have to admit that Netflix’s turnaround time for getting your first movie is excellent (just as long as they have it in stock).

Upon arrival, Brandon’s only request (other than to destroy the disc) was that there wasn’t a sufficient amount of beer in the house for the two hour movie. I gladly permitted a beer run and we started the film shortly after.

On a completely separate side note, Warner Bros. 2-disc collector sets of classic films can sometimes be pretty neat (yes, I said neat… deal with it). Some have a feature entitled "Warner’s Night At The Movies", which provides you with a time capsule-like experience on what it would have been like if you had been around to watch this film in a theater back in the 1940s. This one started with a trailer (Casablanca) followed by a Newsreel, a live-action short ("Beyond the Line of Duty" narrated by our future President Ronald Reagan) and finally, a Warner Bros. Cartoon ("Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid") before leading into the feature film.

I called it a 30+ minute buffer delaying the inevitable.

So, after sitting through 30 minutes of World War II propaganda and an amusing Bugs Bunny cartoon, Yankee Doodle Dandy was off and running.

I was rather surprised that it didn’t fall into the general standard definition of what I would call a “musical.” Not that there wasn’t any singing and dancing… because there was plenty of that. However, all of it took place directly on the stage of whatever production that was taking place at that time. These scenes dragged, but they always do when you don’t want them singing, let alone dancing, in the first place.

[For those curious, my general standard definition of a “musical” is as follows: Some jackass who felt it necessary to break out into song (possibly even dance, but not necessary) while in the middle of a conversation, to express his or her mood in order to “carry” the story along, thus destroying any credibility I have for that movie anymore.]

Yankee Doodle Dandy is the loosely-based (and I use that term loosely) bio-pic of George M. Cohan. Cohan was known as "the man who owned Broadway." A playwright, composer, producer, director, actor, singer and dancer spanning several decades in the early 20th Century and is considered to be the father of the American musical comedy.

Born on July 3rd or 4th, 1878 (the date is apparently disputed), Cohan was born into the world of theater and vaudeville and toured with his family, "The Four Cohans" before eventually breaking away, gaining success and bringing his family back into his business on Broadway.

Michael Curtiz, best known for Casablanca, directs James Cagney to his only Academy Award-winning role as the exuberant playwright, who shows off his obvious talents as a skilled singer and tap dancer extraordinaire. The film doesn’t drag. In fact, it moves rather quickly, following Cohan from birth to a childhood actor, then from a pompous self-centered young actor to a stubborn pompous self-centered adult actor. This attitude gets him (and his family) blacklisted from any kind of work throughout the east coast until he decides to leave "The Four Cohans" to pursue his own work.

While reading a brief biography on Cohan, I rediscovered how Hollywood back then (and now) decided to ignore or change additional facts about the man and his history in order to suite the mood of the film. Now we all know that Hollywood takes liberties when doing a "based on a true story" film. This is a given. But when the man who it’s based on, attends the premiere and comments “It was a good movie. Who was it about?”, you tend to wonder how far it strayed from the truth.

Things they glossed over that stuck out my mind are just two basic facts: (1) He was the second born child of the Cohan family. The film states he was the first born. Not that this is extremely important, why would you change it in the first place? (2) George was only married to Mary Nolan. Agnes "Mary" Nolan was his second wife. He was married seven years to Ethel Levey and had two children. He had three more with Agnes, none of which are ever mentioned in the film. These changes, in my opinion, are insignificant. What else did they change that we don’t know about? Read the last sentence of the next paragraph.

I have to admit that I frequently find it hard to choke down the "everything is happy and has a happy ending" films of the 1940s and 1950s. I also can understand that it’s impossible to cram an entire lifetime into two hours. Either way, Cohan had to have more tragedies in his life than just his father dying, but do we get to see anything else through his life’s journey that wasn’t all happy-go-lucky? Not from Hollywood and not in 1942. That’s what books are for.

The film did, however, make me realize how many songs I knew that George M. Cohan wrote, including: "Give My Regards to Broadway", "Yankee Doodle Boy", "You’re a Grand Old Flag" and "Over There." That’s just 4 out of 1500 he wrote.

Other interesting trivia for this film include the fact that this was the very first black and white movie to be colorized using a controversial computer-applied process (I shudder at the thought). It was also the second highest grossing picture for Warner Bros. in 1942, earning a whopping $4.8 million. It was also released earlier than Warner Bros. had wanted. In a promotion to release it on July 4th (considered Cohan’s birthday), they moved it up to Memorial Day in May because of his fight with cancer. It also helped boost the morale of our country and the war effort since the bombing of Pearl Harbor only took place six months prior to it’s theatrical release.

Cohan was quite the patriot when it came to entertainment. His drive for patriotism with his music awarded him the first Congressional Gold Medal presented by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1941 in honor of his contributions to World War I morale.

Classic films like these are very hard for me to review. I tend to only lean one way or the other. I either like or dislike. This one kinda hits square in the middle. Cagney’s performance is fantastic and some of the comedy bits throughout the picture did produce several out loud laughs from myself.

In closing, I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around why this picture is considered to be one of the 100 greatest pictures, but then again, I only question it because it’s all a matter of opinion. Would it be on my list? Absolutely not. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be on someone else’s. I could have easily replaced this picture with another on the list. Apparently there were 400 nominations and then, I presume, members of the American Film Institute voted on these to create the final 100.

As discussed earlier with other members of the house, I’m not completely sure why it’s on the list other than “the contribution it had to the craft at it’s time.” More of a time capsule picture, rather than something that stands the test of time, like Citizen Kane.

I have a feeling that this won’t be the last time I hear that phrase or use it myself.

Don’t touch that squirrel’s nuts! It’ll make him crazy!

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory

Rating: 4 out of 5.

If Tim Burton was forced to shoot on location, would it then cease to be a Tim Burton film?

Probably not, but it sure does help.

When I began researching Burton’s films over the past two decades, I found quite a few of his films had been shot on location. However, as brilliant as these films may be, they still lacked the initial visual style that only Tim Burton could produce on a sound stage or on a studio back lot.

Please don’t misunderstand me, though. All of Burton’s films have that specific “look and feel.” You can easily tell when you’re watching something that has had the “touch” of Tim Burton. His eccentric and off-beat sense of humor. His dark gothic images. His personal quest to have his lead protagonists as misunderstood and sometimes deeply disturbed outcasts.

The man is notoriously known for his fantastic vision and his ability to take that vision and create it into something tangible. In order to do this, he has to create his own controlled environments on a studio back lot. Here are some obvious examples from the past 15 years: Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Sleepy Hollow and Planet of the Apes.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory isn’t any different.

I was extremely skeptical about seeing this movie. The trailers had me confused and puzzled during the onslaught of mostly crappy Hollywood blockbusters this past summer. I was even more concerned that Tim Burton was going to destroy a perfectly good movie by “re-inventing” it. Most remakes are fairly sub-par to the original material, especially when the original is usually so widely loved and respected. Treading in this water will almost always mean failure or at the most garnering a mediocre response. Almost always leaving us asking the eternal question of why?

Here are just a few examples:

Psycho 1960 / 1998
Charade 1963 / The Truth About Charlie 2002
War of the Worlds 1953 / 2005
Planet of the Apes 1968 / 2001
Manhunter 1986 / Red Dragon 2002

I grew up with Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This film held a special place in my heart as a child and still stakes a claim there today. It was a fantastically executed morality play on the horrors of poor parenting and spoiled children. I never read the book, either. While it may have been a requirement for some to complete a book report on the material, I never thought twice about picking it up just for leisure.

Where Burton went wrong in Planet of the Apes, he went in the polar opposite direction with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Burton, with the help of screenwriter John August (Big Fish, Go), take a possible disasterous re-make (or “re-invisioning” … or whatever) and turn it into an enjoyable and equally palatable movie.

Johnny Depp’s depiction of Willy Wonka is reminiscent of a deeply scarred and reclusive Mister Rogers (which is exactly what he was trying to do). While Depp does a brilliant job here, I still admire Gene Wilder’s portrayal more. Unlike Depp, Wilder gave age and maturity to the role, while at the same time the ability to “snap” at a moments notice, depicting the struggling duality in Wonka’s personality.

The Oompa Loompas were an interesting touch as well. Rather than employing several little people, Burton hires one and digitally multiplies him. Deep Roy (who you might recognize as the man who rode the snail in The Neverending Story) plays the Oompa Loompas with great ease, bringing additional enjoyment from the four musical numbers they perform for each of the four bad children.

Danny Elfman’s score is fun and creepy and in many ways still sounds too similar to everything else he’s done in the past (especially with Burton). Elfman also provided all of the singing voices of the Oompa Loompas, overdubbing himself dozens of times to create an Oompa Loompa chorus.

In conclusion, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a fun and delightful remake. The visuals are a nice added feature, too, compared to the dated material back in 1971. The slight tongue-in-cheek humor is still there, as well as the wild imagery, with an additional bonus of seeing what happened to the other four children after their mishaps in the factory as they’re escorted from the premises. A majority of the story is still there from before, and with a cast that’s better than the original (except Wilder), Charlie is a great version to bring home to the whole family… just don’t forget to pick up the original while you’re at it.

Who are you, man?! … I’m Batdog!

Underworld
Rating: 1 out of 5.
From the Property Assistant of Stargate and Independence Day!

You may balk at the first line of my review, but I’m serious. How does one jump from a property assistant to a feature film director, let alone have a gapping hole of 7 years in between, without doing anything? Len Wiseman, conveniently engaged (oops, now married) to the lead actress in this film, brings to life this poorly-executed cinematic turd.

I feel so horrible about this film that I’m opting not to give the DVD it’s usual advertising link on the right hand side of the review. Those feeling compelled to purchase this movie, I truly feel sorry for you. There are better things out there to entertain you … and this is not one of them, either.

I was a little more naive when I rented this movie over a year and a half ago. Today I wouldn’t even think twice about passing it by while it sits on the shelf at your local soon-to-be-bankrupt video store collecting dust. I seem to feel the need to visit a video store about once every nine to twelve months, thinking that I could be that much more satisfied if I actually put my hands on the movie that I want to watch that night. I guess that’s what happened back in March of 2004, when I walked the mostly vacant aisle of “New Releases.”

As excited as I was grabbing this title from the shelves of a cookie cutter rental facility, the only thing that I found truly exotic and entertaining about this supernatural monster action/thriller was the skin-tight vinyl and rubber outfits of Kate Beckinsale. Even that was frustrating since everything was so well under lit, you couldn’t make out too many of the curves of this unbelievably beautiful woman.

Kate Beckinsale (Pearl Harbor, Serendipidy) stars as Seline, a vampire death agent who hunts down lycans (werewolves) in attempts to even the score of a war that has been waging between the two species for the past thousand or so years. Scott Speedman (Dark Blue) enters the picture as a man pursued by the lycans for some sort of blood research. When Seline discovers that the lycans are after a human, she decides to intervene, which is not the will of the other vampires and all hell breaks loose. Seline awakens the vampire clan’s fearless leader, Viktor (Bill Nighy, much more entertaining in this), in attempts to restore power to the vampire hierarchy which seems (at least on the surface) to be based in some sort of corruption. The end product rather seems to be a political and social statement about racism.

In what seemed to be a possible interesting entry in the ongoing boring horror genre, Underworld failed in almost every way. It was very stylish with it’s action sequences, editing techniques and concept. However, it eventually fell into the abyss of all the other unoriginal sci-fi/horror/action films of the past 5 years: overdone blue-tint filtering cinematography, just enough CGI effects to make it stand out like a sore thumb and the fact that it’s really hard to sympathize with lead characters that you really don’t give a rats ass about.

It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

Batman Begins
Rating: 5 out of 5.

I am not a Batman Scholar. I’m not even the assistant to the assistant to a Batman Scholar. A majority of my knowledge of Batman comes from the following mediums: Syndicated reruns of the 1960s “Batman” television show, the first three feature films, the occasional viewing of Batman: The Animated Series on the WB and a small period in my life when I felt it was necessary to invest in several Batman Comics with no set continuity whatsoever. The latter came to an abrupt end when I realized that DC Comics were out to take every last penny of mine by having Batman storyline arcs jump from one comic to another (Detective Comics, Batman, Legends of The Dark Knight, Shadow of the Bat and even Robin), having to invest in five issues a month rather than one or two.

Needless to say, what I know of Batman would seem somewhat limited. This does not, however, keep me from knowing a great film when I see one. Batman Begins is a fantastic tour de force of comic book heroics, brilliant storytelling and gritty realism. This is the best movie of the Batman franchise, though Tim Burton’s Batman will always hold a special place in my heart (give me a break, I was 13 when it hit the theaters). Unlike Burton’s Batman, with its over-the-top theatrics and incredible but unrealistic sets, Batman Begins grounds itself first and foremost in a realistic setting.

Everything about this film is believable. Not once when watching this film did I not believe that the city of Gotham actually existed (it helps when you film city exteriors in an actual city). You feel the pain and loss of Bruce Wayne when his parent’s are gunned down in the streets. You understand why he disappears for a great length of time. You see Bruce Wayne’s character truly defined when he chooses not to become an “executioner” knowing that there are some, if not many, still worth saving. The believability of Batman and his “wonderful toys” seems to make that much more sense once you know how he went about acquiring them.

Director Christopher Nolan (Memento, Insomnia) finally brings back credibility to the Batman franchise, leaving behind the rubber-nippled, giant cod-pieced bat suits, whining sidekicks, and ever-increasing number of over-the-top super-villains (I could easily make more remarks at Joel Schumacher’s version of Batman, but I’ll save that for another time). David S. Goyer, whose checkered screenwriting résumé (Dark City, Blade, The Crow: City of Angels) could have been called into question, delivers a solid story with minimal cheese. I’m sure this was also due, in part, to the fact that Nolan co-wrote the screenplay.

There aren’t very many “one-liners” in this film like Burton’s, and Batman doesn’t really have his own theme song. The score simply adds to the essence of the film without becoming its own character. His gadgets make sense, his purpose is justified and his goals are easily obtainable with his company being secure (What does a billionaire do with his free time? Whatever he wants).

Batman Begins, unlike its predecessors, comes off with a level of intelligence that none of the other films were able to obtain. The cast is phenomenal, with almost all of the actors hailing from the British Isles, including Christian Bale (Wales), Liam Neeson (Ireland), Michael Caine (England), Gary Oldman (England) Cillian Murphy (Ireland) and Tom Wilkinson (England). Rounding out the rest of the cast are: Morgan Freeman (playing, for the most part, but in a good way, Morgan Freeman), Katie Holmes (playing, for the most part, Joey Potter from “Dawson’s Creek” with a law degree), Ken Wantanabe and Rutger Hauer.

Christian Bale perfectly embodies Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy and Batman, slightly psychotic vigilante madman out to clean up the streets (and his ability to change from one character to another with the “flick” of a light switch). Gary Oldman brilliantly portrays Lieutenant James Gordon (so much so that Nazlan had no idea it was Oldman until the credits rolled), and is incredibly reminiscent of Gordon in Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. These two play well together. They’re unlikely allies in a city full of corruption from the streets all the way up to city hall.

The film is dark, menacing and disturbing… and every bit of it is enjoyable. Batman Begins successfully reboots the once mistreated franchise by giving the story and characters the respect they deserve. “Gotham isn’t beyond saving,” Bruce Wayne said. Christopher Nolan took the franchise by the horns and made a similar statement: “Batman isn’t beyond saving.” I would have to agree with him.

[Title Quote From: Batman Begins]

So this is planet Houston.

Superman II
Rating: 2 out of 5.

Let me start off by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed Superman II (as a child). I distinctly remember sitting at home watching ABC’s televised broadcast of the movie on my parent’s Betamax. I remember this because I had to fast forward through the commercials with the remote (which was still attached to the unit by a cord). The Betamax had been moved into my parent’s bedroom with the spare television set when they finally decided to invest in a “fancy” VHS VCR and Camcorder combo unit for our summer vacation trip.

Back when I was a kid, you didn’t have the luxury of purchasing prerecorded videos so they could be watched at anytime. You waited for a television broadcast or when it was released for rental at a video store. A television broadcast of a big budget movie was a regular event to look forward to in the 1980s (as well as earlier, I presume). Watching a network television broadcast movie didn’t cost you’re parents anything and there was a better chance that they would let you watch it (considering the censors would remove all of the naughty bits and cover up all of the language so they didn’t violate FCC regulations).

I had the first two Superman movies basically memorized by the time I was in middle school. Now that I’m older, after viewing Superman II yesterday afternoon I came to the realization (again) that televised broadcasts can sometimes include footage that isn’t in the original theatrical release. There were specific scenes that I personally remembered watching many times before and not seeing them today. This, of course, did not cross my mind when I first watched the DVD soon after acquiring it back in 2001.

What I find most disappointing about this film now, compared to when it was released over 20 years ago, is that the element of cheese is much higher than before. This cannot really be said of the first film. The first Superman holds up quite well almost 30 years from it’s initial release. Superman II, however, gets worse every time I see it.

Watching this film now, with the maturity that I did not possess when I was a child, I realized that Superman II is really a morality tale. There is a lesson to be learned when you don’t abstain from having premarital sex, especially when you’re a superhero. Superman decides that it’s worth risking everything, losing all of your super powers, just to have sex with Lois Lane. And what happens shortly after this event? Clark Kent gets his ass handed to him by a bully truck driver in a diner. Three not-so-well-landed punches has him on the ground, semi-delusional. Clark is so shocked by his own pain that he doesn’t know how to react. Lois Lane at least fights back (if you call jumping on the truck driver’s back fighting).

Of course, in an attempt to calm down the patrons in the restaurant, the waitress turns on the television and offers to get everyone some fresh coffee. The television slowly comes to life with perfect timing to announce that General Zod has taken over the United States in the course of just a few days. You see what happens when you get hung up on physical urges? Three super villains, apparently from your own home planet, come down to earth hungry as hell for world domination. And let us not forget how they were released from imprisonment: a hydrogen bomb that you released out in space instead of leaving it burrowed in the elevator of the Eiffel Tower. Personally, the French have had it coming for quite some time (but that’s an entirely different post altogether).

Nazlan and myself came to the conclusion, while watching the “udderly” cheese-induced Superman II, that nothing good came of Superman and his newly acquired ability to fornicate. In fact, it was a rather selfish move on his part. Because he decided to bust a super-nut in Lois Lane (yeah, he says he’s “in love”, but don’t they all), he chooses to lose his powers. Apparently taking an oath to “defend the Earth and to protect all of Mankind” is a serious commitment …at least until a girl is willing to touch your pepe.

It may be on a larger scale, but he makes all of the rash decisions that any teenager makes when going through puberty: (1) he feels funny in his tights, so he jumps to the conclusion that he’s “in love” despite parental disapproval and Margot Kidder’s psycho eyes, (2) he gives up much more than he anticipated or should have just to get her out of her pants, and (3) much like a broken condom, the results of his actions tear apart the lives of everyone around him.

In conclusion, the forced lesson of the movie is a simple message, “Superheroes shouldn’t get laid.” If they do, it’s guaranteed that some inter-dimensional jackass with a generic Eastern-European accent and an urge to breathe all over everything will come down and destroy the world.

It’s obvious that Mario Puzo wanted to remind us how important it is for superheroes to not have any social life whatsoever, unless it’s with another superhero. To back this claim up, I’ll leave you with a short dialogue exchange from Kevin Smith’s Mallrats:

Brody: “It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry her child?”

T.S. Quint: “Sure, why not?”

Brody: “He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.”

[Title Quote From: Superman II]